A Quiet Day with Seth July 6th

We took it way slow today. I didn't realize how wiped out I was. We played in the hotel's playroom and went for a walk. I'm seeing glimpses of his personality, I can't wait for the whole thing to come out. Don't you love the little smirk. That's his, "I really want to smile but am not about to give you the satisfaction'. We've had a few little power struggles. For his attachment, he must be fed primarily by me. Children attach to who feeds them. At dinner he refused to let me feed him and wanted to feed himself, even though I've been doing all the feeding of him for the past week. I wouldn't let him feed himself and held firm. I knew this was an important battle to win for the capture of his heart. He's going to learn his Mama is pretty stubborn. I finished eating, and we left without him eating a single bite, because he continually refused to let me feed him. When we got back to the room I waited for an hour and then I ordered a bowl of rice brought up. When it came he immediately let me feed him. (I found it quite amusing) He's also not letting me rock him anymore, but will only sit on my lap facing out. while he drinks his bottle before bedtime. All of this is good. It means he's started attaching, and it's freaked him out and so he's trying to push me away and take control of himself. I'm pretty encouraged that we're already hitting this phase. I do miss our snuggle time, but I know it will come again. He is so dang cute I can hardly stand it. And thus far I'm grateful we haven't had any kicking, biting, pinching or hitting. Maybe that will come tomorrow!

I must say being in the playroom (This is a playroom where adoptive parents can come and bring their children) at the White Swan was quite distressing for me personally, so excuse me while I vent. I saw so many children exhibiting signs of attachment disorder and parents frustrated but not knowing how to parent their child's behaviors. I was visiting with one set of parents and I asked them if this adorable little girl (that I could tell had attachment disorder written all over the place) was their first. "Yes, and most definitely our last!", she declared emphatically. "I will never put myself though this Hell again!" All of the parents here have invested huge amounts of money, of time and especially of emotional energy to come to China and adopt. Yet I think most agencies and social workers do a lousy job preparing them for the process of attachment. It is not intuitive, and it is not like parenting an emotionally healthy child. And so many families fail, not because failure is inevitable, but because they've not been educated and prepared on how to create or transfer attachment. I think every family adopting should listen to Nancy Thomas's "Taming the Tiger while it's Still a Kitten" C.D (you can order it on attachment.org) just as a starter. I think there should be classes that are required, discussion groups, information to read. I don't profess to know everything, but there are a handful of basics for families to follow like "The Primary Caregiver (usually Mom) does all the feeding". Everywhere I turn I see babies and toddlers all feeding themselves, and hear parents say how wonderful it is that their child is so independent! Families need to know that an adopted child is a child with special needs. I personally think that Seth's special needs that arise from being raised in an orphanage, being abandoned, and then being taken out of his environment and placed in a new one are far greater than his special need of missing part of his arm. Will we be able to meet those needs? I don't know, but at least I feel like I have the tools, the education and the resources to give it a shot, and stack the odds in my favor. My heart aches for these children, and these parents. Will their child be successful, or will they end up unable to love, and be loved? And will parents who have sacrificed so much end up feeling miserable and cheated in their new relationship with this child?! I wish I knew how to change it, I'll add it to my 'change the world" list that I'm compiling. Now if I could just figure out how to keep up on my laundry so I had a bit of time to fix the world!