Blogging is Down, Attachment is Up! July 17th

Well the blogging has sure come to a screeching halt. Bummer for me. I have never blogged before our adoption of Seth, but it turned out to be lots of fun, and mostly I hope a memorable way to tell Seth the story of our journey to him, so that he’ll have it forever. While in China I could blog after Seth went to bed or before he woke up. Now much of my day is spent working on attachment with Seth. The rest is absorbed with my other six kids, and the ever so unpopular laundry, dishes & housework (though I’m trying to keep that to an absolute minimum.)

Kasey Harmer from New Hope Academy (an attachment center) came and worked with us for a while on Tuesday. It was so helpful. I’ve studied attachment quite a bit, but it was amazing to see the little ways he’s still taking control and resisting attachment. My dear friend Melissa (who’s been in intensive attachment therapy for a year and a half with her darling, brilliant Annie) has been coming over every day shadowing our activities, and suggesting activities we can do to promote attachment. It’s been so helpful.

Becca’s attachment was very different (and atypical) than Seth’s (much more typical). We had to go through all of the attachment activities, eye contact, rocking, cradling, feeding and building trust, but she turned herself and her heart completely over to me, and was not at all resistant. I think this is because she had been in foster care most of her life, sent back to the orphanage for four months before we came (an awful experience for her) and then when we ‘rescued her’ (from her perspective) from the orphanage she was willing to turn all control and nurturing back to me.

For those who are wondering about this whole attachment process, here is a very brief (O.K. now that I’m done it’s not all that brief), very simple explanation. The ideal circumstances are that a baby is born and has a mother who meets all of their needs. The following cycle of attachment happens. For most of us parents this happens so naturally that we’re not even realizing that attachment is happening.

1)The baby has a need (i.e. hungry, wet, tired)

2) They express this need (by expressing discomfort or crying)

3)The mother or primary caregiver meets this need (by feeding, changing, holding etc…) Ideally eye contact and skin to skin contact are part of their needs being met

4)The child learns that someone will take care of their needs, that they can trust, and they therefore create an attachment to the person meeting those needs.

However sometimes the cycle of attachment is broken, whether because a child is separated from their birth mother, in poor daycare, through neglect,through traumatic experiences or because of a change in their caregiver. This level of unmet needs comes along a very long spectrum, and the attachment is affected by the severity of unmet needs, as well as the child’s inborn temperament.

When a new caregiver comes along it is very typical for the child to push their new parent away. Either they’ve attached before and now lost that person and so are afraid to attach again, or they’ve never attached to anyone because no one ever met their needs consistently. The child wants to be in control of themselves, and not give control to this new “Mom”. They’re afraid if they give control, letting her meet their needs, this new “Mom” may fail them as well and that is too psychologically painful.

So the process of attachment is created by taking away all of the child’s control and meeting every one of their needs, consistently and lovingly. This must happen over and over and over again, as they learn to let go of their own control, and learn that their 'new Mom' WILL take care of them, she will not leave them, and she will give them everything they need. They learn to trust. Once they trust, then they can attach. Now when you have a baby, that happens naturally because an infant is completely dependent. When you have a 2 ½ year old toddler like Seth, he is going to be more resistant, especially because he’s at a developmental stage where he is creating independence from his parents (which is obvious to anyone who has spent five minutes with a two year old). So right now, I must be his world. He has to be my baby before he can be my child. He spends 6 hours a day in a front pack or sitting on my lap. I give him every drink, every bite of food. He can not feed himself, he can’t turn the pages when we read a book, when he colors, I pick which crayon he uses, when we go outside, he must hold my hand so he is completely dependent on me. He is never more than a couple of feet away from me from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed. Dad or a trained respite provider (luckily Nicole has been trained while working at the attachment center) can take the child for exercise for 30 minute time periods to give Mom a break. But other than that, he’s stuck with me. He’s feeling more and more content with that, and I can feel his trust growing. It’s been hard for the kids to have limited interaction with him right now. They can’t really play with him, because he uses them to avoid interaction with and dependence on me, but it won’t be too long before they can enjoy their new brother.

Every interaction with these children must also be loving, and positive. They can’t have any negative responses, facial expressions, or vibes at all. All interactions must be completely positive. When he cries, or when he’s mad then I hold him and cheerfully tell him, “Good crying Seth. Good job getting your “sads” out.” Or “Good kicking, way to get all your “mads” out”. These kids have often experienced so many hard things, that they must only have positive (with firm limits) interactions in order to heal.

If children don't learn to trust and attach then they can't form loving healthy relationships throughout their life. They can't feel empathy or compassion for others and they will not develop a conscience. Adolf Hitler and Charles Manson were people with severe attachment disorders. So was Helen Keller, but she was blessed with an Annie Sullivan, who came and healed her heart.

I find attachment therapy is often counter-intuitive to natural parenting style, but I have been so fascinated as I’ve read and attended a conference on it. It has healed so many children whose hearts have been broken and I see it working for Seth. After 2 ½ weeks he finally trusted me enough to let me cradle him and feed him a bottle on Tuesday. He’s now making eye contact and cuddling. Before while in the pack he'd keep his back arched as far away as he could from me. He would never look at me, and try to always keep facing away from me. I feel so much joy to watch him begin to trust and heal. He is the sweetest little guy. He giggles so delightfully when we play pat-a-cake or tickle. When I sing to him, he'll sing along. There’s no way to know for sure, but I’m guessing by how quickly he’s progressing that his basic needs were met in the orphanage and that he formed at least some sort of attachments there as well. I am grateful that someone heard him cry and held him. That someone cared about him and cared for him. He’s progressing quite well and we’re falling more and more in love with him every day.