Starfish Throwing: July 3rd

The babies shown in order are, Aubrie, Karlee and Nicholas

July 4^th, 2008

Xian, China

It’s 5:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep. I went to bed last night at 11:30 but layed in bed for a long time. I woke up several times, with images, thoughts, emotions swirling and churning, so I must write.

We so wanted to go Baoji, so see Seth’s orphanage. We asked the director of the orphanage, he consented though warned us about damage from the earthquake and told us his staff are still sleeping in tents. But because we’re foreigners we had to have permission from the government office, and the answer was “No” it was too dangerous. Because of the damage from the earthquake many buildings were unstable. I had so wanted to go. Visiting Becca’s orphanage, esp. her home village and her abandonment spot was one of the defining (though heart wrenching) moments of our trip with her. But the answer was ‘no’ and that was that.

When we received our answer on Monday, I asked Amanda if she thought we could go visit the Xian orphanage so Nicole & Alex could have the opportunity. One of her children, Jeannie, was adopted at the same time as Seth, and she also had another child who was adopted recently. She said this freed up some space in her Starfish home, so she was going to the orphanage to find a couple of babies. She warned us, that a visit to the orphanage is not for the faint of hear; I told her we were strong enough and that we would be honored to come.

The story of the starfish is told as follows: A man was walking along the beach and saw hundreds and hundreds of starfish washed upon the shore from a huge storm the night before. The entire beach was covered with them, and they were dying, drying up without water and unable to get back into the ocean water on their own. He came upon an old man who was picking up the starfish one by one, and throwing them as hard as he could back into the ocean. The younger man stopped and said to him “This is futile. Look at this beach, covered with starfish, you can never begin to throw them all back in.” The old man picked up one starfish, looked at it and then looked at the younger man. As he threw the starfish with all his might back into the sea he said, “You’re right, but it matters to this one!”

I have always loved this modern day parable. As I’ve felt overwhelmed by so much need from the orphans in China I’ve looked at my Becca, and now my Seth and said, “Yes, but it matters to this one.”

Amanda has chosen this imagery as the metaphor for her work and her starfish home in China. She is called the Chinese Starfish thrower and today we were able to join with her in starfish throwing.

We left her starfish home at 10:30 a.m. and arrived at the Xi’an orphanage around 11:00. This orphanage houses almost 600 children. About 130 have been placed with Foster Families. We saw one of the rooms with the older babies, all lined up in their cribs, ready for a nap. We saw the older children waving from the balcony at us. They seemed healthy and content. Then we went to the new babies room, this is where the newly abandoned babies come. There were around 30 cribs, many with two babies in them. These babies were so tiny, many much tinier than a baby should be. They looked so frail, so fragile. They had a towel wrapped around their bottom for their diaper, with a bungee to hold it on. The four of us and Amanda walked up and down the rows looking at the babies, assessing which looked the worst. There were several cleft babies, they seemed the tiniest, unable to eat and get the nourishment they needed. The nannies do their best to take care of these babies, but with only three or four nannies for so many children it is hard to take care of them all; especially for the babies with cleft babies who need such intensive, constant feeding. Amanda looked at each baby and assessed how much fat they had on them. None had very much, but if they had any then she felt they had a good chance of ‘making it’, but how to choose between the rest. We looked over the others for a few minutes then Amanda turned to us and said, “You choose which ones we should take, I had only planned to take two, but let’s take three” Horror filled our hearts, there were twelve babies who were especially needful, how could be begin to choose which ones to take.

“We can’t! We can’t choose who gets to come and who we must leave behind. You must choose, we can’t!” How can a person choose? The ones chosen are the starfish thrown back, given a second chance. Not only will they receive food, human touch, but they’ll be in a home where they’re cherished, loved, and valued until they find their forever family. It’s cruel, a cruel lottery, one that rips your heart out. Who to choose, and who to walk away from. “It matters to the ones we take” I tried to console myself but shouting back in my head was, “but it would have mattered to that one, and that one, and the one laying next to her in the crib, and the child not even strong enough to cry, and the one with bilateral cleft palate, and the one who looks like she’s given up and one who’s rooting, looking for her mother’s breast, never to find it.” Up and down, row after row of babies, it would have mattered to each one, and we could only choose three.

Amanda chose, three babies. She had only brought blankets and clothes for two, so we wrapped the third, the tiniest, in a towel. She made three bottles. The orphanage staff wrote down their birthdates, their sex and their Chinese names. Derek had Siyuan so his arms were full. I took the little boy who had a cleft palate, but not cleft lip and who we later named Nicholas. Nicole took the girl she named Karlee, and Amanda took the tiniest baby, wrapped in a towel that would become Aubrie. We hopped in the taxi leaving the rest behind. Amanda said it’s the worst part of her job, walking away from the rest. But if she weren’t here, and in almost every other orphanage there is no Amanda, no starfish thrower, even these three wouldn’t get the chance. “It matters to this one” and today it matters to these three. At 11:40, we climbed back into the taxi, this time with three new little bundles.

Little Nicholas greedily and hungrily drank his bottle the whole way home in the taxi. He has the biggest eyes, and he was taking everything in. He watched me with his piercing eyes, an old soul in that teeny body. He looked at me so intently with such intensity. He looked so intelligent and wise I called him “My little Chinese scholar” and sang MoLiHua and told him how wonderful his life was going to be. “Find your strength my Chinese scholar, your family is out there, they’re waiting for you. And they will find you and you will live a long, and happy life. Until then you will be fed and loved at the starfish home. So eat and grow strong.” He was watching, it felt like he understood and was taking in everything I was saying. I felt such strength, such will from that little body. You’re going to make it my little Nicholas.

Nicole sat next to me in the taxi with Karlee. She too was happy to be held, cuddled and most of all fed. She seemed strong and alert. Aubrie sat in the front with Amanda. She has a very severe cleft palate. She was the tiniest, she was the most fragile. Eating seemed like such an effort for her, taking more strength than she had. She would try to cry, but it came out weak and breathy. Amanda told us she was worried about her, she didn’t know if she was going to make it. Amanda asked us if we would like to name these three babies.

We arrived home a half hour later at the starfish home. Now, the babies had to be weighed, measured, heads shaved, and bathed. They also needed an English name. Derek and Alex were to name my little Chinese scholar. I suggested we name him Alex, but as they held him, and as he watched them so intently they decided to name him Nicholas. First we shaved his head, to get rid of cradle cap and anything else unwanted. I undressed him and put him on the scale, he weighed 3 kg (about 7lbs) We measured him and took his little footprint. Derek and I bathed him and he didn’t cry at all. One of the volunteers came in, Lisa from Texas, and she took and dressed him. He kept watching all of us, holding his head up, looking around. I told all of the Chinese nannies how intelligent he looked. They all agreed.

We took Aubrie next. Oh, she is so fragile. She hardly has any strength at all in her tiny body. We put her on the scale, 1.95 kg (about 4.3 lbs). Amanda, said she’s never had a baby this tiny before. We measured her and took her little footprint. Derek and I bathed her. Based on the fine downey hair still covering her body, she was probably born quite premature. That combined with her cleft palate, left her teeny. She tried to cry, but it was so weak, she could hardly get any sound out. I was given the privilege of naming her, I named her Aubrie, after my special Aubrianne, my sober child with a wise old soul and tender heart. I gave her that name, because even though Aubi, is fairly small (esp. compared to the rest of the family who tend to be rather large in stature) she is a powerhouse and has a lot of personal strength and determination. My Aubi also has the greatest sense of humor, and she has a big heart. I knew she would send strength and love to her little name sake. Aubrie’s Chinese surname is ‘An, (rhymes with dawn) taken from the 2^nd syllable of Xi’An. So she’s little Aubrie ‘An. This little Aubrie, is going to need all the strength she can get. Her cleft is so large, she can’t begin to eat. We’ve been feeding her by squeezing the bottle so that a little bit of milk will drip into her mouth. She uses what little strength she has to swallows it and then we squeeze a bit more. She will need to be fed round the clock, slowly, constantly. It is so time consuming. I have a greater appreciation for Alex’s cleft bottle project, and how difficult it is for these cleft babies to gain weight. We found premie clothes and a premie diaper. She is smaller than even a toy doll. I dressed her tiny body and then began the slow process of feeding her more. We’re giving her a powder called, Colostrum. It costs $50USD. We hope it will be enough.

While I was busy feeding her, Nicole began to help with the last little girl. We though it would be fun to name these two little girls, after our two middle girls. So Nicole named her Karlee. Our Carlie spells her name differently, but Nicole wanted to change it a bit. First she helped Amanda shave her head. She looked so much better with her head shaved. We couldn’t believe what a beautiful head she had, and now you could see she has the most adorable little face. Oh, she’s going to be a beauty. She has a heart defect, but isn’t nearly as small as Nicholas or Aubrie. She weighed about 3.2 kgs (7lbs). She was alert and has a sweet calmness about her. She feels strong. She will thrive in her new home.

So these three new little starfish have the names of my three oldest daughters. Nicholas (named for my sweet Nicole who will be forever changed by the things she’s seen today), Aubrie who I pray will have the strength of will to move forward into this new life of hers, and Karlee, our sweet, tender beauty. I can hardly wait to watch them grow, to see them thrive, to rejoice when they finally find their families.

We spent the afternoon with these new babies, holding and loving them. What a treasured afternoon for them. I hope someday I will get to see when they’re grown, and tell them about the day they came to Amanda’s starfish home.

Today the lessons and images of my day with the starfish thrower will be etched forever on my heart. “It matters to this one!”